Today I shared my pregnancy. And while this is an incredibly happy time for me and my family, this has not come without a lot of heartbreak. Between our son and this new baby, I had two miscarriages. I lost two babies. I had two surgeries and then I felt empty.
No one prepares you for that loss. You never go into a pregnancy imagining it happening. Although in my experiences I have learned that it happens in 1 of every 3 pregnancies. I was the unlucky 1 in 3 TWICE. And it was terrible.
Miscarriages rob of you of the joy of 1/3 of your pregnancy because after it happens, you’re terrified and anxious. Waiting for the ball to drop. For bleeding or cramping to start. For an ultra sound to turn up nothing or a baby with no heartbeat. For me, because it happened back-to-back, these last 14 weeks have been a roller coaster. I was scared. I was anxious. But I was also having a lot of pregnancy symptoms, which gave me some hope. Even still, my husband and I barely talked about baby until now.
During our first ultra sound at 10 weeks, I closed my eyes and held my breath until the ultra sound tech told us the baby was alive and well. I cried happy tears and watched as our little baby wiggles back from the screen.
When you lose a baby, and definitely after my second loss in a row, you start to question yourself, your body. Is there something wrong with me? You feel guilty. Should we have started trying sooner? Will we ever have a baby?
What I’ve learned is that unfortunately miscarriages are incredibly common, but for some reason most women suffer alone. We are open about so many things, but miscarriages, losing a baby seems to be a taboo or maybe just a scary topic.
Every time I’ve shared my story with someone, they have had a story of their own. Or a story of someone very close to them. It happens all the time.
I was lucky to have a couple of very close friends, who had a lot of experience with loss, who were my sound board and biggest supports. I also have great friends, who regardless of experiencing loss themselves, were there for me. They let me vent and cry and be angry and they have cheered on this little baby from the first day we found out.
My husband has also been incredible. He never made me feel broken or guilty. And he let me be angry and let me cry. And then reassured me that if our family remained a family of three, that was perfectly fine. Whatever was supposed to be would be and we would be happy.
I will be sharing an old post soon that I wrote the day I found out about my first miscarriage. It was a routine appointment, so I was alone and it was an awful experience.
My hope is that by sharing my story and being open about loss, the journey and all the feelings that come with that, I will help other women who have had miscarriages or are having trouble conceiving feel less alone.
If I impact one person, spark one conversation, or help one woman feel connected through loss, then it’s worth it.
We need to be more open about the sad things because otherwise all you see are smiling women with large bellies on Instagram. But you don’t know what it took to get there. Pictures are one moment captured and we need to share more about the journey to get to that moment. As they say, you can’t have a rainbow without a rainstorm.